Some 'Jokes' for you :-D

A BEAR
I want to be a bear......
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. 

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!

MAKING MISTAKES
Mistake: to err, to cause an eror or make a mess.
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If an engineer makes a mistake, it is a new venture...
If parents make a mistake, it is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a 'MISTAKE'...

DON'T SAY ANYTHING
When a new permanent turned out to be a disaster, I phoned my husband and issued a one-line warning: "Don't say anything about my hair." During dinner, we discussed the weather, his day at the office - anything but my hair.  I began to feel uneasy. Finally, when we were washing the dishes, he said in a serious tone, "You'd better go now. My wife will be here any moment, and she wouldn't like to find me with a strange woman."

 

 

WHERE MY MIND IS TODAY?

One afternoon a very preoccupied looking young woman got on my bus. About 15 minutes into the ride, she blurted out, "Oh, my gosh, I think I'm on the wrong bus line." I dropped her at the next stop and gave her directions to the right bus. "I don't know where my mind is today. I must have left it at work,"  she apologized. Just before she got off, I noticed she was wearing an ID card from an area hospital. "Are you a nurse?" I asked. "Oh, no," she said. "I'm a brain surgeon."

 

 

 

BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen, so I brought a driver's license and birth certificate. The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a good, long look. "Is something wrong?" I finally asked. "Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE WHEN...
You can jump start your car without cables.
You answer the door before people knock.
Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
Instant coffee takes too long to make.
You don't sweat... you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't tan, you roast.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.