The Amazing One: Humour

Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

3 Stupid stages of life...

We have 3 stupid stages of life………

Teen age:

Have Time + Energy …but No Money

Working Age:

Have Money + Energy …but No Time

Old age:

Have Time + Money …but no Energy

Do you really know your theology?

Who Was The 3rd Man in History To Walk On Water?

The 1st one was Christ ...

The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter ...

Then there was this guy, Jose...

Stylist way to be a racer

Great Truths (jokes)

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, Don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer! But it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . Going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 60 success is . . . Going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.

Girls and boys fued (jokes)

THE PROBLEM WITH GUYS (this is so true)

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If you Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll Lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he Tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.
If u don't Let him KISS u, he says u don't Love him;
If u let him KISS! ! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u Don't, he says dat u don't TRUST him
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your Exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does Well, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE! !

Guys are in fact really so troublesome & sooo hard to please!
I just want to add one more ..If you send this to guys, they will say it's not true …
But if you don't, they say you are selfish ..

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

Guyzzzzz dont try this at home...

girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
boy: What time was it??

girl : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

girl : I would go to the end of the world for you!
boy: Yes, but would you stay there??

girl : I love you and I could die for you!
boy: How soon??

girl : Say you love me! Say you love me!
boy: You love me...

girl : When we get engaged will you give me a ring??
boy : Sure, what's your phone number??

girl : Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
boy : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

girl : Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
boy : Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!

girl : I'd like to call you. What's your number?
boy: It's in the phone book.
girl : But I don't know your name.
boy: That's in the phone book too.

girl : I want to give myself to you.
boy : Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

boy: You remind me of the sea.
girl: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
boy : NO, because you make me sick.

Gals never try this at home

Boy : I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
Girl : I'm a plastic surgeon, I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

Boy : Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
Girl : Must've been once, I never make the same mistake twice!!!

Boy : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
Girl : No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

Boy : How did you get to be so beautiful?
Girl : I must've been given your share!!!

Boy : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Girl : It's hot!!!

Boy : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
Girl : Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

Boy : Your face must turn a few heads!
Girl : And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

Boy : Go on,don't be shy. Ask me out!
Girl : Okay, get out!!!

Boy : I think I could make you very happy
Girl : Why, are you leaving?

Boy : What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
Girl : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

Boy : Can I have your name?
Girl : Why, don't you already have one?

Boy : Shall we go and see a film?
Girl : I've already seen it!!!

Boy : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Girl : Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

Boy : You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
Girl : Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!

Boy : When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
Girl : And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!

Boy : You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
Girl : Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!

Boy : Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
Girl : Roses are red, Violets are blue, i'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!

Boy : Did you miss me while I was away??
Girl : Were you away??

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go for shopping, to water the plants, empty thegarbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

SECRET LOVE LETTER

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....However, the girl's father does not like him and want them to stop their relationship. ..... and so.. The boy wrote this letter to the girl..he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter..

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11. 13 (Odd No.'s) go read it once again but the Odd Number lines...

MARRIED AND SO .....

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses… "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious… I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that…"

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN BEER IN YOUR F*CKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F*CKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKING BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER…GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story.

This Will Make You Smile (humour)

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

:) Have a Jesus Filled day!! God Bless!!....

Who needs a truck?

Why Men Die Young

The Pope and Ah Peh ( comical )

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave. The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them. Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk". The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened? The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us." He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.

Well," said Ah Peh,
(1) "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him get lost and not one of us was leaving.
(2) " "Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
(3) "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine !!!!!!!!!"

shared by : Irene Tan

Some 'Jokes' for you :-D

A BEAR

I want to be a bear......
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!

MAKING MISTAKES

Mistake: to err, to cause an eror or make a mess.
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If an engineer makes a mistake, it is a new venture...
If parents make a mistake, it is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a 'MISTAKE'...

DON'T SAY ANYTHING

When a new permanent turned out to be a disaster, I phoned my husband and issued a one-line warning: "Don't say anything about my hair." During dinner, we discussed the weather, his day at the office - anything but my hair. I began to feel uneasy. Finally, when we were washing the dishes, he said in a serious tone, "You'd better go now. My wife will be here any moment, and she wouldn't like to find me with a strange woman."

WHERE MY MIND IS TODAY?

One afternoon a very preoccupied looking young woman got on my bus. About 15 minutes into the ride, she blurted out, "Oh, my gosh, I think I'm on the wrong bus line." I dropped her at the next stop and gave her directions to the right bus. "I don't know where my mind is today. I must have left it at work," she apologized. Just before she got off, I noticed she was wearing an ID card from an area hospital. "Are you a nurse?" I asked. "Oh, no," she said. "I'm a brain surgeon."

BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen, so I brought a driver's license and birth certificate. The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a good, long look. "Is something wrong?" I finally asked. "Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE WHEN...

You can jump start your car without cables.
You answer the door before people knock.
Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
Instant coffee takes too long to make.
You don't sweat... you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't tan, you roast.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.

How to make the Olympic Games 2008 more interesting

Don't Be Late (humour)

A parish priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral of the story: DON'T BE LATE

shared by : Martin Gregory Goh

The Way Children See Things (humour)

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Shared by Allan Ward

Stress Reliever (humour)

One for the morning......

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see! how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card!"
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever # 9
Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!

Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 11
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 12
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

Stress Reliever # 13
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

Stress Reliever # 14
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."

Stress Reliever # 15
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me? my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

"I like your sense of humour."

__________________

Shared by : Vincent W

Who Shot da Bear?? (humour)

An 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Men Don't Listen (humour)

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Heavenly Humours

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

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Mr. Goldblatt," asked little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

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There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"

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A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

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Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die! The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, No we're not. I make over $100,000 a week. The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die! The other man, unruffled, again responded. No, I make over $100,000 a week. Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die. Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10%!! My pastor WILL find us!

Taken from : BIVOCATIONAL MINISTRIES

Communication without limit

Some Mathematics (humour)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND
TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

Laughter Zone

Scriptures to encourage us that God laughs & likewise we should to...

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses." "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer handcuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." Scripture?", replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!".

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A camper walking deep in the woods suddenly notices that he is being followed by a large grizzly bear! He starts to run away but the bear begins to chase him. Realizing the bear is quickly closing in, the man offers up an emergency prayer: "Oh God, I know you have influenced animals in the Bible like Balaam's donkey, if there is any way that this bear can become more like a Christian, I would really appreciate it." As the final "amen" is said, the bear pounces on the man and pins him to the ground. But suddenly, the expression on the bear's face changes from that of anger to contentment, and the bear looks heavenward and places his paws reverently together, and starts to speak audibly just like Balaam's donkey, saying, "For this food we are about to receive, we give thanks."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching an elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of illuminated numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful young lady stepped out.The father said to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother. "

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

Taken from : BLESSED HOPE MINISTRIES